But I Didn't Cry

I really haven’t blogged about it… but my Pap has been really bad. In and out of the hospital bad. Declining bad. He’s back in the nursing home now… but it’s not necessarily a good sign. I didn’t see him when he was in the hospital… probably because I was trying to avoid reality. Probably because I was too scared and really didn’t want to admit it. Probably because I didn’t feel like dealing with it, which is terrible but true. I was afraid to feel that sadness again.

But finally after work tonight, I went to visit him. On my way over, I was torn between thinking it wasn't that big of a deal, he is going to be 95 after all... etc etc... and then being scared of seeing him that bad. Yet when I walked into his room and saw him in the bed…. it just hit me so hard. Blew me away. Shocked me, when I saw how bad he had gotten. He just looks... terrible. And 95. And he has never looked as old as he did right then. He's so skinny, so confused, so... I don't know. It's just heartbreaking. He’s actually (almost) 95.... wow.

He's in a hospital-style bed, hooked up to an IV. He can't really talk; his speech has been screwed up for years but it was especially bad tonight. He kept trying to ask me for things and I had no idea what he was asking for. And with each guess I gave ("Do you want more water? A blanket? The TV on? A nurse? Do you need to sit up? Are you too hot?") -- each response from him was "No!" or a sigh or a frustrated look. It was so terrible and so heartbreaking. The entire time I was there, I was on the verge of tears, ready to burst... and I fought so hard to hold it in. I didn't want to suddenly burst into hysterical crying, because what does that help? What does that do? It's basically me screaming, "Oh my god you're dying!" at him. Which is not helpful to either of us.

I was convinced as soon as I got in the car that I'd start crying right away. I was almost rushing to get outside - after holding it in for an hour and twenty minutes as I visited with him, mostly in silence as he slipped in and out of awareness.

But I didn't cry.