To Be Continued...

I can now be found here:

http://embracingimperfections.wordpress.com

And let me just say, life is definitely... not what I expected.

Epilogue: I've Found My Reason

Maybe we're not supposed to be happy.
...Maybe happiness is unattainable. Maybe joy and hope are what we need most.

Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy.
...Maybe gratitude should come from the simple reality that we are alive.

Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is.
...Maybe focusing on our own paths, our own goals - without worrying about our critics.

Appreciating small victories.
...Not crying. Finding direction in an unknown neighborhood. Taking that perfect photo.

Admiring the struggle it takes to simply be human.
...Weight loss. Realizing you were wrong. Overcoming the voices in your head.

Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know.
...The closeness of family, waking up in a warm bed, endless laughter on late nights.

And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know.
...Extreme poverty. Disease. Loss of freedom.

At the end of the day, having the courage to still be standing -
Is reason enough to celebrate."
...We all have our reasons. I know I've found mine.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

One year ago today, I ended my first blog entry with, "Maybe I'll even learn to accept (and embrace) the imperfections of my life." Though, I think that instead of accepting, I am simply learning to look past the flaws, the mistakes, the scars. And focus on the actual joy I deeply feel inside, at times I least expect to find it.

As I've said before - I am not where I planned to be. However, it is the unplanned things that bring us the most unexpected of joys. As I look over this past year, I am amazed at the people who have come and gone in my life. The unexpected love, that has changed me the most.

I now look back on this past year and realize it has been the most amazing gift I could have ever received. This year of being in Pittsburgh has allowed me to not only develop close relationships with my cousins in West Virginia and Ohio -- but allowed me the honor of falling deeply in love with their children. In ways I still can't believe are possible.

So I drove down to West Virginia for the day, a fitting end to the past year. I miss those children so much when I'm not around them after a few days. And it has not been easy so far this calendar year to visit them as much as I did last summer and fall. I work too much... working towards a goal of moving.... but I work too much nonetheless.

That goal of moving? Tentatively February 1st, 2009.
New York, New York.
Keep your fingers crossed.

But until that time comes (oh and if it comes, you can be sure there will be another yearly photo blog to document the journey), I will embrace this time I have been given. Because when that time does come to move away, the greatest challenge I'm sure will be saying goodbye to those boys (and that girl.)

At the end of the day - at the end of this year -
They are my reason enough to celebrate.

Final Bow

So this is it. One year. One year gone before I even realized it was here.

When I think about the fact that I haven't seen Elisa or Kristen or Holly for a year, or that it's been a year since I've felt that insane sense of self that I felt so strongly in Arizona - I am amazed... and scared.

I can't believe how much I miss writing (real writing - writing to inform, writing to persuade, writing to express) and the department I learned so much from. I miss little things about my life from a year ago. I miss Beyond Bread. I miss laughing at the UMart with coworkers (although I have never missed the actual job.) I miss working for the box office on campus and laughing with Marisa & Petra and every other person there. I miss having Anna just a block behind me -- allowing me to go over anytime without hesitation. I remember long lunches on University Blvd with coworkers, and gorgeous backdrops of cacti and the Catalina Mountains. I miss border reporting and feeling challenged by a deadline. Late nights on 4th. Laughing until I can't breathe. Waking up and seeing that endless blue sky. I miss living the dream I had dreamed of for so long.

There are so many things I miss about a year ago. And there are many ways I've changed as well... but I know that you can never go back. Nor should I want to... I just need to hold onto this desire to go forward. Holding onto that desire is key - and learning to be patient is also essential. Perhaps that was the hardest thing to learn this year (and who am I kidding - I'm still learning it.)

As I sat in on our current show playing at the theater (Rabbit Hole), I loved every single moment of it. I loved the relationships and the struggles within them, the humor and the heartache. It was so real in so many ways - how even amongst the most difficult of times, there is still laughter and love. Life doesn't happen the way we expect - but even after the final bow, there is still the echo of applause, the need for more of the same.

But after the show ends, there's always that next performance waiting to be discovered. To see the same show over and over again... no matter how fabulous a production... would serve no purpose. Eventually you would tire of it. Eventually you would want to experience more. Eventually another show must be chosen, another life must be lead. New characters must enter, old favorites must depart.

The only way to truly live, is to bow out with as much grace as possible.
And to constantly be looking towards the next opening night.

The End is Near

thegreenfairee: um... not a stalker or anything... but in mourning of the end of your blog, i have been re-reading your entries.... also, there is nothing on tv and im not tired, so it was a good fit.

I'm torn between being sad that my blog is almost over (and by sad, I mean disappointed & discouraged that I'm not where I had hoped I'd be one year after graduation) and relieved. I had toyed with the idea of continuing the blog until I realized my dreams and relocated. But that was not the plan and that is not what I feel is best for me.

This blog was to only document a year.
And that year is almost over.

Where did all that time go?

"And who can say what we are?"

Tonight after a ridiculous day at work (stressing out about this kind of stuff is always tiring - especially when it happens to people you know & adore), Eddie & I went out to see "Smart People." The movie was pretty good in parts, but I mainly liked watching it since it was filmed in Pittsburgh and actually casted two of Ed's best friends as extras.

Later, we headed to S Bar to just hang out, grab a couple drinks & talk. I was defintely right when I realized Ed was one of those people I could learn so much from. I love hearing the way he thinks and sees things, how he lives his life for the ultimate goal of doing what he loves, how he isn't every afraid or awkward in social settings. He's someone I feel genuinely attracted to - not only by the way he looks but because of the person he is no matter who he's with. He's someone I'm developing a friendship with - a friendship that I don't endlessly obsess over when it will expire or when issues will arise. It is what it is, it will last as long as it's going to last. Life is too short -- and the people who do not better you, are only harming you. Thats probably the hardest lesson that I'm learning.

Perhaps what I am gaining the most though from my time with Ed is the connection I feel with him at times, because of the similar ideas we have as far as how we want to grow and change, move & discover things. He makes me want to pack up and move to New York tomorrow, quit the jobs that aren't getting me anywhere career wise and allow myself to do what I want to do so badly.

He is teaching me to live in the moment, savor the day. To allow people to come and go into my life, gaining something from them, and letting them leave when it is their time to bow out.

He is showing me so much more than I ever expected.
And I'm just happy to be along for the ride.

"Pulse is gone and racing –all fits and starts.
Window by window you try and look into,
This brave new you that you are.
And who can say what dreams are?
((Wake me in time to be out in the cold))
And who can say what we are?
This is the reason for dreaming.."
-Spring Awakening

Just Another Day in Mayberry

Last week, a customer I waited on at the bank somehow got onto the topic of her farm & how much she loves brown eggs. I made the comment that I had never tried them before... and she literally raved about them endlessly. She insisted they were so much better than white eggs and I'd just HAVE to try them. They're unlike anything else, she said.

I kind of forgot about the conversation until she came into the bank today... with a dozen brown eggs she brought from her farm for me to have. I had to promise to eat one tonight so I could tell her about it the next time she came in.

I honestly felt like I was in the real life version of the Andy Griffith Show.

(Btw, the eggs were DELICIOUS!)

Tuesday in the Park

I went for a walk in South Park with Angela tonight... and I can't even telling you how refreshing & invigorating the walk was. It was 'round 7 or so when we went, just as the sun was starting to go down... and the sense of calmness I felt in that brief hour walk was something that was long overdue. I seriously think that my mood will improve greatly (it already has) with this change in weather. Winter had been far too long, cold and dark... I'm ready for the light in my life again.

At one point, Angela and I were talking about how there are certain people in our life we usually keep in touch with - try to touch base with every now & then to see how they are, tell them how we are, etc. Yet right now we both feel at such a stand still... we almost don't want to reach out, to update those people, to see where they are, because we don't want to admit where we are in our lives right now. Almost like we're hurrying up - trying to get our lives together - so those people don't see how far we've fallen. Expectations are hard to deal with sometimes.

But at least tonight, things felt so much more hopeful than they have in recent months. I really could get used to these amazing walks in the park.