Happy Leap Day

Happy Leap Year. Extra day, extra nap.
Have I mentioned I nap at work on my lunch break?
....Every single day. I eat in 15 minutes & nap for 30.
It's just so warm in the break room... so quiet.

This month flew by... and dragged by at the exact same time.

"Can I Help You Over Here?"

At the branch I'm working at - there are definitely a handful of crazies that come in on a regular basis. There's a definite... type of customer I'm having to adjust to dealing with day in and day out. Usually they're old. They've banked at this branch for a bazillion years. I have to repeat myself a million times. They think "big bills" are 10s and 20s, not 50s and 100s. They come in a couple times a week... sometimes a couple times a day. Just because they are walkin' around town and have nothing else to do.

Then there's Nancy Adams.
Matt Adams' grandma.
She's an exceptional woman ....and customer.

I took this picture of her to pix message to Matt, since I figured it would put a smile on his face. Apparently Nancy (who I've known since I was a little girl in Sunday School -- she went to the same church as my family) was quite worried about where this photo was going. She called Matt's house later to ask.

Matt: (to his dad, who was on the phone with Nancy when she called to see where the photo went) Tell her it's for her myspace. We needed a new profile picture.

quarterlife = my life

"Its like... just admitting you want something is the kiss of death. Cause then you have to realize how complicated the world is and how hard it is to get that thing that you want. I mean, so many of my friends pretend they don't want anything - just so they don't have to face that." -quarterlife

The Day I Spent a Billion Dollars

Today, on Matt & Kari Day, I spent a billion dollars.
But I had a blast, so it was worth every single cent.

We started off the day heading to Advanced Auto Parts to buy new windshield wipers for my car. My dad had said I'd probably spend around $15, and when the guy asked me which brand I wanted, I picked the ones that were $17.99. However, I'm a complete idiot and didn't realize that meant each. So right off the bat, just to get windshield wipers, my total was $42. But now that I'm rollin' around with the Cadillac of windshield wipers, it can rain and snow all it wants since mine actually work now.

After that exciting trip... Matt and I went down to the Carnegie Science Center, to see BODIES: THE EXHIBITION, which I had seen in Chicago last year with Kristen. But Matt had never seen it and plus, I was kind of in the mood to see it again, so we headed down. It's amazing to see everything in that exhibit and to believe that its all inside of us. It was also really interesting to look at the exhibit after all the controversy that's come out recently. It really made me look at the faces of the bodies we were looking and and really wonder who that person was and how they ended up here.

Matt: Yeah, I'm an organ donor so...
Me: But THIS was NOT what I had in mind when I told the DMV they could put that on my license. I meant like... give my organs to a 16 year old leukemia patient or...something.

After that, we ended up passing the Andy Warhol Museum and stopping there, because I really wanted Matt to see the Ron Mueck exhibit I saw with Anna and Rob last month. He thought it was really cool (which, how could you not?) so it was worth the money to get back in again. And I was just as impressed as I was the first time.

We battled the rush hour traffic and decided to grab Chinese food at Old Town Buffet. My favorite part of dinner though, was after we had spent all this time talking about our lives and how confusing they are... and then when we went to open our fortune cookies, Matt's cookie was empty.

Matt: Oh GOD. What does this mean?
Me: Google it!!
Matt: (googling it from his phone) 'I think it means something bad -Frankie' Gee, thanks Frankie from Yahoo Answers. I like 'You create your own future' or 'The future is in your hands' better.

Then of course... no trip would be complete without shopping at Target. Gage's birthday is coming up in a couple weeks and one of the things I have been wanting to pick up for him was this Thomas pillow, since he is obsessed with Thomas the Tank Engine. I also have a couple other Thomas things I've purchased and (plan to purchase) but I'm almost done. Can't spend a billion dollars on the boy, especially since I don't really have a billion to spend.

Though apparently I did today.

Grandparents

A book my mom recently bought.

My Dad's Dad is nearing 95 and my Mom's Mom is 86. Pap recently (we think) had a mini-stroke and hasn't been doing too fantastic. He's not bad, but he's getting older and it's hard to really think of what 95 means. (Okay, we KNOW what it means - it means he's 95 and it's not like we have an endless amount of time with him left, even under the best of circumstances. Then again, we thought he'd die a decade ago, shortly after my Grandma Shaffer died - and boy, were we wrong.)

My Grandma wasn't doing too well tonight either. She spending the night with us, because she keeps having visions. She keeps seeing men in her house, following her, and it's upset her to the point that she couldn't sleep there so she'll be spending the night on our couch.

Now, before you call me a bitch - she doesn't WANT to sleep in my bed. She hates my bed, actually. And would rather sleep on the couch. But thanks for judging.

As crazy as they drive me at times though, and as much of a burden (AT TIMES) as it has been on both of my parents - I've really been lucky to grow up so close to my grandparents. With my mom's parents across the street and my dad's parents down the street for most of my life, I never had to grow up without them, like a lot of kids anymore.

Days Like Today

I haven't been this hungover, for this long, in almost two years.
I didn't even feel this bad in the car on the way from Havasu to Las Vegas in '06.
Or even the day after Kristen & Elisa's 21st Birthday Power Hour in '05.
Drinking away your miserable feelings just creates more miserable feelings.

Days like today, I wish I didn't have a daily photo blog.

Dear Saving Grace

"There’s an emptiness inside her & she’d do anything to fill it in,
And though it’s red blood bleeding from her now,
It’s more like cold blue ice in her heart.
She feels like kicking out all the windows & setting fire to this life.
She could change everything about her using colors bold & bright.
But all the colors mix together - to grey.
And it breaks her heart.
It breaks her heart... to grey."
-Dave Matthews Band

You called me your "Siamese Twin" tonight, constantly attached to your hip. You joke around that I must not have any friends, since I'm always with you. You are constantly rolling your eyes at the dorky things I say, so much so that I'm convinced they're going to get stuck in the back of your head. You tell me I'm not funny, but you laugh. You were an asshole to me before I even met you, but now I know you must have one of the biggest hearts I've ever encountered.

You're one of the few people who brings me any sense of comfort anymore. I've probably reached one of the hardest parts of my life emotionally and it's a struggle I'm not dealing with well, as you can probably tell. And I know you're struggling too. But no matter what is happening right now, I can only be thankful that you showed up in my life when we both needed each other the most. And that no matter what happens or where life takes us, I will always be able to look back and know you were given to me as a saving grace.

I wish you could see yourself the way I see you.

....Because I Have Nothing Else to Say

The more time I spend in this city, the more I begin to resent it.

I'm sorry Pittsburgh, but you're like a bad marriage I don't know how to end.

Growing Up Pretending to Be

Tonight, while I was giving Rory some privacy as he took a phone call, I hung out with my sister while she was closing up at the Deli at our local grocery store. She works part time there (and has for a couple years now) and part time at a salon nearby.

Even though she'll be 21 in August, its still really hard to see her as adult-ish. In my head, she'll always be 12. And if I still don't feel like an adult, there's no way I'm going to see her as one. I feel like we're just pretending.

Sometimes, I wish we were.

"We're Strange Allies, With Warring Hearts..."

Tonight after work, Rory* & I drove to Altoona to pick up his new car.

We had been planning on going Friday night, but I convinced him to go tonight instead because I got off work earlier and I am able to go into work later tomorrow... and plus they are expecting freezing rain for Friday night. And the last thing I want is to wreck the car on the turnpike in the middle of February. Life sucks enough right now without that added drama. For me and for him.

It was about a two and a half hour trip up and back (with the traffic), but definitely worth it. It was nice to just hang out and drive away for a bit, although I wish we could have kept driving and ended up in Malvern, PA with my Great Aunt Jane & Uncle Jack, who I've been really missing a lot lately. I'm hoping Rory* and I can make a weekend trip up there sometime though, because I haven't needed a hug this badly from my Pap in a long time... and hugging his brother is the closest I can get to that hug right about now.

Then again, hanging out with Rory* tends to improve my mood.
Even if he's not a huge fan of hugging.

I'm lucky to have him in my life right now - even if it was unexpected.

*Although Rory posed for this blog photo, knowing it would end up on the blog, he in no way condones my blogging about our friendship. Though I think he secretly likes it.

Box Office Days

Today, it was back to work at the Box.

I'm really, really, really happy I took this as my second job.

#1 Reason I Love Presidents' Day

Because of holidays like today, I get time off from work to see smiling faces like his.

Trent is getting funnier and funnier as he gets older. He's 2.5 now, but full of so much laughter and attitude. He really makes me laugh... and just hanging out around the house with him is a ball of fun. Plus, he's a huge ego boost at times. "Kawee, you so funny! Ha! Ha!"

Kyra had spent the night at a friends house and Trent went off with his sitter again, while my aunt, cousin and I had lunch at the Cheesecake Factory. Then after some shopping at Target, I finally had to head back to the house and say goodbye to the kids. I left around 4, completely exhausted and content with how the trip had gone. Just wish I had more time to see them, or that they didn't live three hours away.

Driving back in to Pittsburgh as the sun was going down really put me in the mood to reflect. As much as I'm miserable here at times, I am truly lucky to be growing so close to my extended family in ways I can't be once I move away. I may not have the most ideal home situation (my parents are growing more and more difficult to live with as the months go on... a conversation discussed at length over lunch with my aunt & cousin), but I am definitely blessed beyond words with the love and support from family I know I can always count on -- even if I have to leave town to find it.

Snow Tubing!

I got up early this morning to go snow tubing with my 64-year-old uncle and Kyra. It was a group trip with their church, though that didn't stop my uncle from screaming "Shit!" and "God Damn It!" at the top of his lungs as we went flying down the hill.

I can't remember the last time I played in the snow like that... Granted, I still have my cold/horrific cough, but I didn't want to skip out on the chance to do something so fun and unusual (for my lifestyle anyway.) Plus, how do you tell a kid you just don't feel like going?

Truth be told, it was more fun than I could have even imagined.

The rest of the day was spent hanging around the house, babysitting the kids, eating food from Fiesta Jalapenos, chatting with my cousin, playing Wii for the first time ever (and sucking horrifically) and (eventually) watching the new "Brothers & Sisters" episode.

It was... a very good day.

Obsession

So today, I drove up to Cleveland to spend time with my family.

After having lunch with aunt, cousin, cousin's husband Rich and their two kids - Kyra and Trent, I also attended a birthday party with them at this place called "Pump It Up." It was fun to watch them run around... but our adult fun came later after we dropped the kids at their babysitters.

My Aunt Carol, Cousin Tonya, Rich & I headed to Dave & Busters to grab dinner & play some games. However... the way there and our visit definitely exceeded expectations with my Aunt's extremely off-center and witty conversations. For example, on the way to D&B I was trapped in the car and forced to listen to a conversation about how the baby boomers are now needing to take AIDS and STD information classes now that their generation is actively dating and ridiculously uneducated with those kinds of issues/situations.

Can we say, "AWK-waaaaaaaaaaard?"

Some more highlights:

(Now, my aunt was the main one who DIDN'T want to go to Dave & Busters to play games. She thought it was dumb and a waste of money. That was until... Aunt Carol became OBSESSED... OBSESSED with this one game at D&B. To the point where once she started playing, she kept swiping her card and yelling, "Just ONE more time!" She became extremely...vocal in her playing. Cheering when she got tickets, booing and cursing when she didn't. We literally couldn't pull her away.. she became quite the spectacle. Eventually her card ran out of money.)

Tonya: You're out of money. Guess you can't play anymore. Let's go.
Aunt Carol: What?? No. I want to keep playing!!
Tonya: Mom, our cards are empty. And you don't have any more cash.
Aunt Carol: (yells) I HAVE MY DEBIT CARD! LOAD 'ER UP!

Tonya's Husband Rich: Wow. We have a problem.

. . . . . . . . . .

(After talking to a extremely cute guy who stood next to us, watching my aunt play)
Guy: Well... Nice meeting you. Have a good night.
Me: Bye!
Tonya: (watching him walk away) I'd have picked you up from a hotel in the morning for that.

Aunt Carol: (without looking up from her game) MMMMMM-Hmmmmmmm!

Workplace Alterations

Um. Okay. Soooo today....

I walked into work at a branch as a pool teller...
And by the time I walked out, I was going to remain at that branch permanently.

Which is good, because its five minutes from my house and gas = expensive.

However, I can't shake this feeling that I made a big mistake.
But I can't change my mind now. I've already committed.

My Funny Valentine

"My funny valentine,
Sweet, comic valentine;
You make me smile with my heart."

Matt Adams is the most fun Valentine ever.
Even being sick couldn't stop me from laughing.

I'd blog about this night more - but I doubt anyone else would appreciate the humor of the evening. Like $12.75 chicken tender combo meals. Or such disgustingly romantic movies... such as No Country for Old Men. Or the fact that the two don't mix together well. Which results in... me laughing so hard I couldn't even breathe. Then again, that tends to happen when we're together.... laughing so hard we can't breathe that is. Not $12.75 chicken tender combo meals. As our dads would say, "What do you think we are--made of money?!"

Thanks, Mattie A. My favorite/funny Valentine.

Slow Down, You're Movin' Too Fast

So sometimes, no matter how busy you are, you need to stop.

Today I had to stop. Because I was still sick.
And I wasn't getting better.
And I wasn't about to shovel myself out of my driveway either.

The Cold of Winter

"Mirror mirror wheres the crystal palace?

But I only can see myself.
Skating around the truth who I am,
But I know, dad, the ice is getting thin.
When you gonna make up your mind?
When you gonna love you as much as I do?
When you gonna make up your mind?

Cause things are gonna change so fast.
All the white horses are still in bed.
I tell you that Ill always want you near...
You say that things change my dear."

--Winter, Tori Amos

Oh BOX OFFICE Humor.

This sign hangs above the fridge/snack area inside the box office.
I find it quite funny how everyone here tends to ignore the advice...
Including myself. Woops.

Note: This is all that I'm blogging about for today because I doubt anyone wants to hear about how sick I felt all day or how freezing cold it was or how emotional I apparently was... for reasons I don't want to discuss. It was a very long, very hard, very exhausting day.

And collapsing into my bed was perhaps the best part.
But I doubt you want a picture of that either.

Stay, Beautiful Baby

One of the girls I've come to know through the bank, Rachael, had her baby shower today, so I attended that this afternoon with a supervisor, and two other coworkers. It was crazy to think that less than a year ago, this girl was celebrating graduating high school... and now she's due in the next couple weeks with a baby.

Obviously the pregnancy was accidental, but as the time draws nearer you can just see how loved this baby will be. Which is beautiful and touching and lovely to see... and I am so proud of her for making the best out of a difficult situation and trying to create the best life she can for her soon to be son. And if he turns out to be half as adorable as she is...

But since Sundays are my day off, I couldn't let the baby shower be the only activity on my social schedule. I headed off to spend more time with Rory (See? We CAN be friends!) at Dave & Busters. We sat there for the longest time just talking... and I learned more about him then I ever expected to learn so soon. I just wish more people could see the boy I see in front of me. And that... makes me sad. People don't give other people enough of a chance. There's so much beauty inside of some people, that others refuse to take the time to see. And there's so much beauty inside of Rory.

Finally, no Sunday would be complete without Momma Janita time. Only one more Brothers & Sisters left before they run out like every other show I watch has... but with the writer's strike almost (officially) over, I'm looking forward to what the writers will be throwing together. Even if it takes til mid-to-end of April for actual episodes to appear on my television.

Perfect Shade of Dark Blue

"This flood (this flood) is slowly rising up swallowing the ground,
Beneath my feet, tell me how anybody thinks under this condition

So I'll swim, (I'll swim) as the water rises up,

The sun is sinking down.
And now all I can see are the planets in a row,
Suggesting it's best that I slow down...

This night's a perfect shade of dark blue (dark blue)
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room when I'm here with you?"

--Dark Blue, Jack's Mannequin

Had another hot friendship date with Matt Adams tonight.
And it was the best one yet.

From Primanti's to Wal-Mart to Eat N Park to cosmic bowling (no judgement, please), it was one of those nights that could have been completely lame... but became amazingly fun and memorable when you're with the right people. And I was definitely with the right person.

There are few parts of my life right now I'm happy about - but Matt Adams and our rekindled friendship is definitely one of them. I feel like he's understanding everything I'm going through right now... from the journalism/photography/lack-of-job situation, to the living with the parents and siblings drama, to the striving for something more in a life that feels endlessly incomplete right now. He knows when to joke about it and when to be sensitive towards it, which is overly needed in my life right now, yet unfair to expect of other people who aren't living it, therefore don't understand it. But he gets it. And I just need that so much right now.

I also need his sense of humor and his views on life. There are very few people who would have found the white trash fight as funny as I did ("Everyone get BACK to your lanes or you WILL be asked to LEAVE!") It's also funny that no matter how far we feel we've gone since high school, we're still surrounded by the same bullshit no matter where we go.

I guess high school never ends, but hey -
If I get Matt Adams out of it - then high school can last forever.

Fighting for my Social Life

I really, really wish I could have drank more than two of these tonight.

After another long day of a work life I'm not too happy with, I met Rory (See? I told you I meant actual friends) for dinner, diaper shopping (see this Sunday's blog) and drinks at this random bar along 51 that we've never tried before. It was an insanely relaxing, good, good night -- cut way too short by the fact that I had to be at work at 8:30 the next morning.

I'm determined as hell that this "working six days a week" isn't going to kill my social life. Just sucks when you have to leave the bar so early... when you're having such a great time.

Takin' the Long Way

Originally, I was going to call this blog "Takin' the Long Way Around" after one of my favorite Dixie Chicks songs from their most recent album. The idea being that - like the song - I've always lived my life by my standards. I've done my best to believe that even if I was taking the long way around, the path less traveled, if I believed strongly enough in that... my life would eventually fall in place.

Nowadays, I'm feeling like I'm taking the long way around...

And wasting my time, not becoming inspired.

"Well, I fought with a stranger and I met myself.
I opened my mouth and I heard myself..
It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself;
Guess I could have made it easier on myself.
But I, I could never follow.
No I, I could never follow.
Well, I never seem to do it like anybody else -
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down;
If you ever want to find me I can still be found.
Taking the long way,
Taking the long way around..."

Defining Definitions

OH Redbeards. OHHH Wing Night. Ohhhh Rory.

So after a long day at work (I'm starting to hate my exsistence) and a somewhat-fun, somewhat unusual date with a 32-year-old, who I doubt will be featured in this blog again so he shall remain nameless for now, I headed to Mt. Washington to go to wing night with Rory again.

Wing night at Redbeards may become my new favorite night of the week. I already have a date set up with La for the Wednesday night she's home for spring break (so NO ONE else can claim her!) because its definitely something KaKa & LaLa should share together. But until that time comes, I'm definitely 100% completely content with sharing it with Rory.

My connection with Rory has definitely... been stronger defined but definitely not in a way either of us expected. I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to write this blog - in a way that would still keep it personal and private, but also emphasize the significance. Which is hard.

To say we're "just friends" now is annoying and cliche and meaningless, because a lot of people who have dated... date and then decide to remain "friends" with very little intention of doing so. But I honestly feel that defining us as "friends" has made me feel so much closer to this boy, in ways I wasn't allowing myself to in these past three months. It has helped me to understand him, and see things I don't think I was able to see when I was dealing with the confusion of "what is this we're in" that everyone struggles with at some point in knowing someone the way I have known Rory.

By no means am I sad, because I feel I have gained much more in this decision then I would have gained had we continued to date both knowing it wasn't going anywhere. I have gained his friendship, which is far more important to me then anything else right now.

Old (Friendly) Navy

Tonight, after leaving the Box Office, I spent some time catching up with Candi.

We headed to August Henry's, a place I had gone to with LaLa for her birthday last month. The food was definitely just as good as last time, as was the company. It's crazy to think I first worked with Candi back at Old Navy in 2002 and here we are today... still friends & able to chat about all the shit life brings. And man... has life brought the shit on since 2002. When does life get easier?

Afterwards, we watched American Idol at her house before she drove me back to my car at the T station. On the ride home, "Hollaback Girl" was on the radio which instantly brought me back to Summer 2006 at Old Navy and how much I miss the people there and the good times we had. But life goes on... and so must I.

Take Me in My Dreams Recurring...

I know it's a cop-out to use photos I took months ago...

But I'm really missing my Nubia.

As Close to Home As I'm Going to Get

This is the closest I'm going to get to being in Arizona or New York tonight.
Watching my favorite city (essentially) play in my favorite state.
I don't even like football.

It's been a glorious day off.
Back to the bank tomorrow.

End of the... Week

Today was my first full week of working both jobs.

And after I got off work at the theater downtown and rode the T back to where I had parked near my house, I apparently was at the end of my rope as far as exhaustion goes. As soon as I got home and ate dinner, I laid down for what was SUPPOSED to be an hour or so nap. I had been planning on hanging out somewhere with Candi... grabbing a couple drinks, enjoying the fact that I had the next day off.

Yet because I'm an idiot - I set my alarm for A.M. instead of P.M.

So I ended up napping from ROUGHLY 7 P.M. until.... 1:20 A.M.

I guess it's not really a nap if you sleep for six hours.
I need to get used to this "two jobs" thing or my social life is going to be non-existent.

February? FEBRUARY?!

It's the first day of February already. Holy hell. How did that happen?

Time passes by too quickly. I keep looking at all the magnets my parents (somewhat embarrassingly) collected from all the different places we've traveled over the years. We don't really go on "family vacations" anymore - and I miss that. I feel like I was just on our first family trip to Arizona... and that was eight and a half years ago.

I miss those couple weeks during the summer where our family would just load up on a bus tour with some touring company and travel around to all these new and interesting places. Places I would have never picked myself to visit sometimes, but places I hold close to my heart.

Arizona, for instance. I had never wanted to go to Arizona until I was there. And then look... I fell in love. Fell in love with everything about it.

I miss that sense of discovering something.
I want a reason to buy a new magnet.