Epilogue: I've Found My Reason

Maybe we're not supposed to be happy.
...Maybe happiness is unattainable. Maybe joy and hope are what we need most.

Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy.
...Maybe gratitude should come from the simple reality that we are alive.

Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is.
...Maybe focusing on our own paths, our own goals - without worrying about our critics.

Appreciating small victories.
...Not crying. Finding direction in an unknown neighborhood. Taking that perfect photo.

Admiring the struggle it takes to simply be human.
...Weight loss. Realizing you were wrong. Overcoming the voices in your head.

Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know.
...The closeness of family, waking up in a warm bed, endless laughter on late nights.

And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know.
...Extreme poverty. Disease. Loss of freedom.

At the end of the day, having the courage to still be standing -
Is reason enough to celebrate."
...We all have our reasons. I know I've found mine.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

One year ago today, I ended my first blog entry with, "Maybe I'll even learn to accept (and embrace) the imperfections of my life." Though, I think that instead of accepting, I am simply learning to look past the flaws, the mistakes, the scars. And focus on the actual joy I deeply feel inside, at times I least expect to find it.

As I've said before - I am not where I planned to be. However, it is the unplanned things that bring us the most unexpected of joys. As I look over this past year, I am amazed at the people who have come and gone in my life. The unexpected love, that has changed me the most.

I now look back on this past year and realize it has been the most amazing gift I could have ever received. This year of being in Pittsburgh has allowed me to not only develop close relationships with my cousins in West Virginia and Ohio -- but allowed me the honor of falling deeply in love with their children. In ways I still can't believe are possible.

So I drove down to West Virginia for the day, a fitting end to the past year. I miss those children so much when I'm not around them after a few days. And it has not been easy so far this calendar year to visit them as much as I did last summer and fall. I work too much... working towards a goal of moving.... but I work too much nonetheless.

That goal of moving? Tentatively February 1st, 2009.
New York, New York.
Keep your fingers crossed.

But until that time comes (oh and if it comes, you can be sure there will be another yearly photo blog to document the journey), I will embrace this time I have been given. Because when that time does come to move away, the greatest challenge I'm sure will be saying goodbye to those boys (and that girl.)

At the end of the day - at the end of this year -
They are my reason enough to celebrate.

Final Bow

So this is it. One year. One year gone before I even realized it was here.

When I think about the fact that I haven't seen Elisa or Kristen or Holly for a year, or that it's been a year since I've felt that insane sense of self that I felt so strongly in Arizona - I am amazed... and scared.

I can't believe how much I miss writing (real writing - writing to inform, writing to persuade, writing to express) and the department I learned so much from. I miss little things about my life from a year ago. I miss Beyond Bread. I miss laughing at the UMart with coworkers (although I have never missed the actual job.) I miss working for the box office on campus and laughing with Marisa & Petra and every other person there. I miss having Anna just a block behind me -- allowing me to go over anytime without hesitation. I remember long lunches on University Blvd with coworkers, and gorgeous backdrops of cacti and the Catalina Mountains. I miss border reporting and feeling challenged by a deadline. Late nights on 4th. Laughing until I can't breathe. Waking up and seeing that endless blue sky. I miss living the dream I had dreamed of for so long.

There are so many things I miss about a year ago. And there are many ways I've changed as well... but I know that you can never go back. Nor should I want to... I just need to hold onto this desire to go forward. Holding onto that desire is key - and learning to be patient is also essential. Perhaps that was the hardest thing to learn this year (and who am I kidding - I'm still learning it.)

As I sat in on our current show playing at the theater (Rabbit Hole), I loved every single moment of it. I loved the relationships and the struggles within them, the humor and the heartache. It was so real in so many ways - how even amongst the most difficult of times, there is still laughter and love. Life doesn't happen the way we expect - but even after the final bow, there is still the echo of applause, the need for more of the same.

But after the show ends, there's always that next performance waiting to be discovered. To see the same show over and over again... no matter how fabulous a production... would serve no purpose. Eventually you would tire of it. Eventually you would want to experience more. Eventually another show must be chosen, another life must be lead. New characters must enter, old favorites must depart.

The only way to truly live, is to bow out with as much grace as possible.
And to constantly be looking towards the next opening night.

The End is Near

thegreenfairee: um... not a stalker or anything... but in mourning of the end of your blog, i have been re-reading your entries.... also, there is nothing on tv and im not tired, so it was a good fit.

I'm torn between being sad that my blog is almost over (and by sad, I mean disappointed & discouraged that I'm not where I had hoped I'd be one year after graduation) and relieved. I had toyed with the idea of continuing the blog until I realized my dreams and relocated. But that was not the plan and that is not what I feel is best for me.

This blog was to only document a year.
And that year is almost over.

Where did all that time go?

"And who can say what we are?"

Tonight after a ridiculous day at work (stressing out about this kind of stuff is always tiring - especially when it happens to people you know & adore), Eddie & I went out to see "Smart People." The movie was pretty good in parts, but I mainly liked watching it since it was filmed in Pittsburgh and actually casted two of Ed's best friends as extras.

Later, we headed to S Bar to just hang out, grab a couple drinks & talk. I was defintely right when I realized Ed was one of those people I could learn so much from. I love hearing the way he thinks and sees things, how he lives his life for the ultimate goal of doing what he loves, how he isn't every afraid or awkward in social settings. He's someone I feel genuinely attracted to - not only by the way he looks but because of the person he is no matter who he's with. He's someone I'm developing a friendship with - a friendship that I don't endlessly obsess over when it will expire or when issues will arise. It is what it is, it will last as long as it's going to last. Life is too short -- and the people who do not better you, are only harming you. Thats probably the hardest lesson that I'm learning.

Perhaps what I am gaining the most though from my time with Ed is the connection I feel with him at times, because of the similar ideas we have as far as how we want to grow and change, move & discover things. He makes me want to pack up and move to New York tomorrow, quit the jobs that aren't getting me anywhere career wise and allow myself to do what I want to do so badly.

He is teaching me to live in the moment, savor the day. To allow people to come and go into my life, gaining something from them, and letting them leave when it is their time to bow out.

He is showing me so much more than I ever expected.
And I'm just happy to be along for the ride.

"Pulse is gone and racing –all fits and starts.
Window by window you try and look into,
This brave new you that you are.
And who can say what dreams are?
((Wake me in time to be out in the cold))
And who can say what we are?
This is the reason for dreaming.."
-Spring Awakening

Just Another Day in Mayberry

Last week, a customer I waited on at the bank somehow got onto the topic of her farm & how much she loves brown eggs. I made the comment that I had never tried them before... and she literally raved about them endlessly. She insisted they were so much better than white eggs and I'd just HAVE to try them. They're unlike anything else, she said.

I kind of forgot about the conversation until she came into the bank today... with a dozen brown eggs she brought from her farm for me to have. I had to promise to eat one tonight so I could tell her about it the next time she came in.

I honestly felt like I was in the real life version of the Andy Griffith Show.

(Btw, the eggs were DELICIOUS!)

Tuesday in the Park

I went for a walk in South Park with Angela tonight... and I can't even telling you how refreshing & invigorating the walk was. It was 'round 7 or so when we went, just as the sun was starting to go down... and the sense of calmness I felt in that brief hour walk was something that was long overdue. I seriously think that my mood will improve greatly (it already has) with this change in weather. Winter had been far too long, cold and dark... I'm ready for the light in my life again.

At one point, Angela and I were talking about how there are certain people in our life we usually keep in touch with - try to touch base with every now & then to see how they are, tell them how we are, etc. Yet right now we both feel at such a stand still... we almost don't want to reach out, to update those people, to see where they are, because we don't want to admit where we are in our lives right now. Almost like we're hurrying up - trying to get our lives together - so those people don't see how far we've fallen. Expectations are hard to deal with sometimes.

But at least tonight, things felt so much more hopeful than they have in recent months. I really could get used to these amazing walks in the park.

An Unlikely Pair

Jasmine just can't stay away from Hammy.
And Hammy just can't run away - no matter how fast he tries.

Damn wheel.

Forgetting Kari Sha**er?

Today I went to lunch & a movie with my cousin Holly. Lunch was better than the movie though... I was not really blown away by "Forgetting Sarah Marshall." I definitely thought the end of the movie was far better than the beginning.

But for me... "40 Year Old Virgin" was a 10, "Knocked Up" a 6.5 and "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" ....let's just say I'd give it a 4 until halfway through, then maybe a 6 for the ending. Still it's always nice to spend time with my cousin, even if it's in a movie we both aren't quite sure of...

Customer Service at It's Best...

I absolutely adore working with Alex in the Box Office on Saturdays.

Even when she's being a little bit cranky and stressed out... :)
(Eleven hours in a small room will do that to you though.)

White Trash

Yes, my front, car window refuses to go down anymore.
Yes, the rest of my windows still go down.
Yes, I took my sister out for fast food tonight so she'd dye my hair.
Yes, I refused to do anything but the drive-thru.
Yes, I made her sit in the backseat & order through her (rolled down) window.

Yes, the employee at Taco Bell laughed at us...
But we laughed right back. After all, he's working at Taco Bell.

Maxie

So tonight I was horrifically bored and lonely once I got home... and I decided there was only one place I wanted to be. Hanging out at Momma Janita's (since I teased Melissa and told her I was coming over just to see her mom because I already knew to assume she was busy with her student teaching... it's taken over her entire existence.)

I can't even really say what we did or talked about over there... but just that I love the comfort and familiarity of it. I know that Zurch will always be sitting on the couch bitching that I didn't bring him anything, Momma Janita will always be trying to feed me or telling me hilarious stories about her kids at school, Melissa will either be stressing out about some random thing or completely bummed out in her pjs, and Matt won't be there because Matt's never there. Oh and the cats. Maxie & Mr. Chloe. They will always have a love/hate relationship with me.

Similar to the love/hate relationship Melissa & Momma Janita have with my blog. Hence why I have to show a picture of Maxie instead of them... Momma Janita doesn't think palm tree pjs are blog appropriate.

Mail Me Away...

My cousin Kyra's Flat Stanley project is finally done & about to be mailed.

Only I wish I could slip myself into an envelope & mail myself away.
I'm in desperate need of some West Virginia baby time...
Some Arizona sun & friends & Beyond Bread...
Some New York, New York energy...

Flat Stanley

Today after I got off work, I picked up Matt Adams & we proceeded to head all over Pittsburgh taking pictures with my cousin Kyra's Flat Stanley at various Pittsburgh locations. It was ridiculously fun... especially because today was one of the nicest days we've had so far this spring. The city just looked gorgeous -- and it was a welcome breath of fresh air and happiness after so much sorrow this past weekend.

My favorite part of the whole day though, was when we lost a tin bit of the focus around Flat Stanley and started walking along this walkway that runs beside the Allegheny River, in front of PNC Park and all the way around Heinz Field. On that walkway, you're so close to the water and the trees are blossoming... it honestly was the most calming walk/talk I've had in months. Pittsburgh isn't such a bad city from that walkway.

And Matt Adams isn't such a bad friend either.
In fact, he's a pretty amazing one.

...But Only For Awhile

Today, I buried my Grandpap Shaffer.

I had tried so hard to think of the perfect way to honor my Pap for the funeral service. I knew I should say something -- that I was the only granddaughter who would say something. Like my cousin Kelli said to me today, "We always count on you to be the outspoken one." But sometimes, I wish I didn't have to be.. because sometimes, even I don't know what to say.

Luckily, the day before my family received an email from our former pastor -- who was transferred out of our church when I was 15. He was the one who held the ceremonies when my Grandma Shaffer passed away in 1996, and he was the last pastor my Pap was ever really familiar with. Right around the time Pastor Ralph left our church, my Pap's hearing and walking were more & more of a problem - so he stopped going to church. It became especially difficult for him to attend one he was placed in assisted living and later... a nursing home.

As I said before I read the email to the crowd of 30-some people gathered for my Pap's funeral, Pastor Ralph's words spoke so perfectly everything my family would want to say to honor our father, our grandfather, our great-grandfather. And so I read... and cried... my way through the email:

"Dear Dorothy... and Paul... and family,

Thank you for thinking of me and sharing the information about Glen's passing.

When I think of Paul's dad, I can't help but to smile. He was a good man, full of faith and care. He had a sense of humor and a devotion to his family. Glen was an example of what God can do... not a star or a planet or an ocean... but a good man. He is the pride and the strength of his family and a blessing to those who knew him. And the good news -- he will be missed! Heaven rejoices. Bernadine is happier to have her husband home. We grieve... but only for awhile.

Please give my love to your family.

Blessings,

Pastor Ralph"

As we later walked away from the grave site, I felt a sense of calmness I had prayed for all weekend. I am thankful that this year has allowed me the opportunity to grow so much closer to my aunts and uncles, cousins and their children. In ways, that closeness prepared me to be able to let go. To be thankful. To know that although my paternal grandparents have both left me... their love lives on in all of us. We have each other. It's been a long road, but we have each other.

“Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is, we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves... for growing up.” --The Wonder Years

The Beauty in Heartbreak

I had forgotten what a roller coaster of emotions it was when you're involved in a funeral viewing. It's such a weird balance of insane socialization and heartbreaking grief. So many people... so many memories. So much family.

My greatest relief of the whole day, was when my cousins and aunts and uncles were all there. Knowing they were close by, having them to hold and to laugh with - was the greatest blanket of comfort I could have ever asked for. Plus, the babies were there.

And we all know they are my greatest joy.

Buckle Up, It's Gonna Be a Long Day

Today I had a billion things to do.

I went to work at the theater for a bit, but they let me leave because there was just... so much I needed to get done today before the funeral viewing tomorrow. I ended up spending half of my life at Wal-Mart, with all the copying, editing & printing of photos I needed to get done. The cousins wanted me to make a collage to display at the funeral home, plus there were a few pictures I wanted enlarged and framed... And there were millions of people at the Wal-Mart Photo Center. Of course. OF COURSE.

You know, there should be a separate line you can wait in if you've just had a relative die and a photo college project dumped on top of you last minute. Just sayin'...

By the way, I was supposed to take a million pictures this weekend for that Flat Stanley project my Cleveland cousin's class is doing. Have I yet to take any? No. Did my Grandpap happen to die the weekend I was planning on taking all of those pictures? Yes. Am I screwed? Somewhat.

Nonetheless, he spent the day riding around the car with me, dressed in the Steelers outfit my mom's coworker made for him. Heh. Heh. I can't wait to send him back to Cleveland.

Check Lists

List One: The Bad
Miserable day at work (Yes, I went): Check
Completely exhausted/Emotionally drained: Check
Horrifically Unlucky Funeral Dress Shopping Experience: Check

List Two: The Good
Amazing friends who... shop with me: Check
Keep their shop open late to cut my hair: Check
And cheer me up in general: Check

At least life evens itself out some.

The Dark I Know Well

Today we were audited at our branch, which was terrible and stressful and too much to deal with at times. All of the endless questions, the watching of every move we made. Our manager was stressed to the max, we were stressed to the max. It was just... insane. Honestly, the longest day of my entire life.

By the time I got off of work and got into the tanning bed at the salon, I fell asleep right away. I was just exhausted and couldn't even fathom the idea of doing anything else. I just wanted to go home. Needed to go home. I had planned on visiting my Pap after tanning, but I knew I'd be free tomorrow. I just needed to go to bed.

I went home and found out my Dad was at the nursing home, because Pap wasn't doing too well. My dad got home around 8:30. My sister has stopped by to visit Pap too and she left a little bit after my Dad....

At 8:45, the nursing home staff called to tell us he was gone.

Priceless Time

My great aunt & uncle arrived today, after having had my Grandma with them for the past two weeks in Philadelphia. I absolutely, head over heels adore my Aunt Jane and Uncle Jack -- as I've made quite clear in the past.

Every single time I hug my Uncle Jack for the first time, after having not seen him for awhile, I can't help but wonder how many hugs I have left. I know thats morbid - and sad - but I always hold him a little bit longer, a little bit closer and try to soak in every single moment.

It's like I'm trying to hold onto my Pap (his brother, who died in 03) even though I know I no longer can. Especially with seeing how sick my other Pap has gotten, I'm more aware now of the passage of time than I ever have been before. And Jane & Jack I see once, maybe twice a year if I'm lucky. So time just flies...

Spring Has Awakened!

Hello, Spring! You finally (feel like you) are here!

Today was the first day the grass looked green enough to lay down on... and the feeling I got was utter bliss. I went for an hour walk with the dog. I soaked in the air and the sun around me. I just enjoyed the feeling of knowing that the months ahead of me will be longer instead of shorter, warmer instead of colder.

Because with spring, comes summer.
And out of the darkness I go...

Broken & Fixed (Kinda)

So out of nowhere, my glasses broke.

Which made me ridiculously sad because I love my glasses.
And I didn't really have the money to get new ones.

But the place I had bought them ~1.5 years ago, fixed them for free.

I just wish it was as easy to fix other things in life.

Introducing... Hammy

My sister bought a hampster.
And then she named him Hammy.
Ba-da-dum.

G-LOVE!

There's nothing better than some G-Love when things in the family are shaky.

My aunt came into town tonight to see Pap since he was so bad. After she spent most of the day with him, we went to dinner with my Mom and then went to the mall for a quick bathing suit session for G-love. It went very well for her... not so well for me.

I know I'm 23, but having my aunt around definitely made me feel safer, more comforted, after being so emotionally shaken from seeing my Pap.

But I Didn't Cry

I really haven’t blogged about it… but my Pap has been really bad. In and out of the hospital bad. Declining bad. He’s back in the nursing home now… but it’s not necessarily a good sign. I didn’t see him when he was in the hospital… probably because I was trying to avoid reality. Probably because I was too scared and really didn’t want to admit it. Probably because I didn’t feel like dealing with it, which is terrible but true. I was afraid to feel that sadness again.

But finally after work tonight, I went to visit him. On my way over, I was torn between thinking it wasn't that big of a deal, he is going to be 95 after all... etc etc... and then being scared of seeing him that bad. Yet when I walked into his room and saw him in the bed…. it just hit me so hard. Blew me away. Shocked me, when I saw how bad he had gotten. He just looks... terrible. And 95. And he has never looked as old as he did right then. He's so skinny, so confused, so... I don't know. It's just heartbreaking. He’s actually (almost) 95.... wow.

He's in a hospital-style bed, hooked up to an IV. He can't really talk; his speech has been screwed up for years but it was especially bad tonight. He kept trying to ask me for things and I had no idea what he was asking for. And with each guess I gave ("Do you want more water? A blanket? The TV on? A nurse? Do you need to sit up? Are you too hot?") -- each response from him was "No!" or a sigh or a frustrated look. It was so terrible and so heartbreaking. The entire time I was there, I was on the verge of tears, ready to burst... and I fought so hard to hold it in. I didn't want to suddenly burst into hysterical crying, because what does that help? What does that do? It's basically me screaming, "Oh my god you're dying!" at him. Which is not helpful to either of us.

I was convinced as soon as I got in the car that I'd start crying right away. I was almost rushing to get outside - after holding it in for an hour and twenty minutes as I visited with him, mostly in silence as he slipped in and out of awareness.

But I didn't cry.

April Fool's? Two Days Late?

....This has got to be a joke, right?

City Love

I know it's silly, but sometimes when I'm walking home from the theater at night,
I try to pretend I'm really in New York.
And I continue to hold my breath and hope.

No Time for Joking

Today was pretty busy. The days are flying by. April already?

Plus, I have this project I have to work on for my cousin in Cleveland. It's based off the children's story about Flat Stanley, a boy who is squished by a bookshelf (or something) and then mailed around the world by his parents because it's cheaper than an airplane ticket?

Well they mailed him to me because apparently I'm "way more creative" than anyone else they know. I guess they were going to mail it to either their friends in Puerto Rico or me... in Pittsburgh. And I'm still trying to figure out why. Haha! PUERTO RICO?!

Too bad that even though I'm really creative - I'm incredibly unmotivated.

I NEED to start working on Stanley. ASAP.